


Just A Couple of Screw Ups

by babykpats



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Angst, Apologies, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fix-It, M/M, Men Crying, Post Season 5, Second Chances
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-17
Updated: 2015-04-17
Packaged: 2018-03-23 10:24:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3764653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babykpats/pseuds/babykpats
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ian wants one last shot at a relationship with Mickey and it's up to Mickey to give it to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just A Couple of Screw Ups

Ian’s hands were shaking as he was waiting for the after effects of his medicine to wear out.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

_One last chance. That’s all I have._

He opened his eyes and looked at himself in the mirror. He wasn’t gonna screw it up this time. This time, he will be perfect. He can’t be anything less.

Ian checked his hair. He had to look his best.

He walked back into his room and picked out the cleanest clothes he had.

His hands were still shaking but it’s not from the medicine anymore.

Ian was afraid.

He had to be perfect this time around. He just had to. He messed up so many times before and this was his final chance.

Once he was dressed, he looked at himself in the mirror. He flattened his shirt against his chest and left the room once he was satisfied.

He went down the stairs and left the house.

It was the middle of the night and the streets were dark. But Ian wasn’t processing any of this as he made his way towards the baseball field.

The air was chilly but he didn’t feel any of it.

Hi body was tense and his heart was pumping.

_I cannot mess this up._

He got to the baseball field just as Mickey was about to leave.

Ian panicked. He ran towards Mickey, worried that he had somehow already messed up. “Mickey!”

Mickey turned to look at Ian. “Fuck.” He muttered.

“I’m not late.” Ian said lamely.

Mickey sighed and sat back down on the bench. “I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing here.”

“But you said-”

“I know what I said, Gallagher. Just fucking regretting that I said it at all.”

Ian’s heart dropped. “Oh.” Maybe he wasn’t getting his last chance after all. His hands started shaking again. “Do you- do you want me to go?” Ian whispered, wishing with all his heart that Mickey said no.

“I don’t fucking know.” Mickey pressed the base of his palm against his eyes.

Ian sat down and kept still. He didn’t want to move. He felt like he was on the edge, and one wrong move would have him falling over and shattering into a million pieces.

“You’re a fucking asshole.” Mickey sat down and turned to Ian, looking livid.

_I know._

“The first time you left me, I felt like trash. Like something you just fucking throw away once you’re done with it. I hated myself. I felt like I wasn’t worth anything. The hardest part was when I looked at myself in the mirror and I start seeing how fucking worthless I am. You know how that fucking feels?”

  1. Ian kept his head down. He kept his eyes closed, hoping that it would stop the tears from falling.



“I didn’t think you’d come back. I mean why the fuck would you come back? I ain’t anything worth coming back for.”

 _Yes you are. You’re worth so much more than you think._ But Ian kept quiet.

“The second time you left, you just had to take the fucking baby, didn’t you? I just- I thought I was helping you, Ian. I really fucking did. I wanted you to get better, not for me but for yourself. I actually thought I was doing the right thing. But when you left, I realized how fucking stupid I was. No matter how good my intentions were, I always manage to screw everything up. I always do.”

_I’m sorry._

“The third time you left, it all came back. I felt stupid and worthless. I felt like you knew that I didn’t deserve you and that was why you kept running away. Cause you thought you deserve so much better than me. I hated myself so much more than I ever had.”

A tear escaped from Ian’s closed eyes.

“But when you called, I hoped. I fucking hoped that in some fucked up way, you came back for me. You didn’t though, did you? You came back to fucking formalize the shit.”

Tears started flowing. Ian shut his eyes harder. This was his last chance. He wasn’t gonna let his emotions screw it up again.

“What do you fucking want from me, Ian? Cause I don’t know what else you can fucking take from me. You can go out there and get whoever the fuck you want. Why won’t you just leave me alone? Stop calling, stop asking about me, just fucking stop, okay?”

“No.” Ian whispered weakly.

“Why the fuck not?”

“I didn’t understand how sick I was. I thought you were trying to change me, that you weren’t happy with who I was anymore. But that night, after… after I broke up with you, I couldn’t breathe. I literally couldn’t breathe. There was something wrong. I lost the one thing I’ve been fighting so fucking hard for. I realized what I did and I couldn’t believe how stupid I was. I couldn’t stop crying. I stayed in bed and I hated myself every single day.”

Mickey scoffed and it cut like a dagger through Ian’s heart. Ian felt like he was losing his final chance but he had to say what he came here to say.

“The first few days, they had to force the meds on me. Held me down until I swallowed them. After a while though, I realized that the only way I can fix this is by fixing myself. I took the meds and went to therapy thinking that it will make me better for you. I swallowed every single pill thinking that that was what you wanted for me.”

Ian paused to wipe his tears. He kept his head down. He couldn’t look at Mickey, afraid that all he’ll see is apathy, the same apathy that Mickey got when Ian decided to leave him.

“After I got my head on straight, I went to you. I thought that you’d be happy for me, happy that I was getting better. I didn’t realize that I’ve pushed too hard. I didn’t realize that I’ve already lost you.”

Ian pulled his feet up on the bench and hugged his knees to his chest. He was shaking so hard.

“I want you back Mickey. I called and I came over to your house and I did everything I could think of and every time you’d ignore me, I’d hate myself so much more for doing this to you.”

Ian looked at Mickey for the first time since their conversation started.

“I’m sorry, Mickey. I know you hate me. But when you texted me that I got one last chance, I thought that maybe, just maybe, I could have you back.”

“I hate you for everything you did, you know.”

Ian nodded. He hated himself too. “I just really fucking miss you.”

Mickey nodded.

Ian hugged his knees tighter. The tears continued to flow from his eyes. He did it again. He ruined his last fucking chance with Mickey. He wasn’t getting Mickey back. He’ll have to go home and sleep alone and face this fucking sickness alone. Mickey was done with him and it was all his fault.

Ian tried his very best to stop his body from shaking. He was tired and cold and so fucking sad. “I’ll just go.” Ian whispered. He slowly stood up and walked towards the gate.

Before he can make it to the gate, he felt something hit him at the back of his head. He grabbed Mickey’s jacket just before it hit the ground.

“I don’t want to go back to how we were before you shit all over me.” Mickey was slowly standing up.

Ian wrapped Mickey’s jacket around his shoulders and nodded. If anything, at least he’d have something that smelled like Mickey to hold onto.

“Everything you did, it fucking destroyed me.”

Ian nodded. At this point, he just wanted to go home.

“What we had before, I ain’t giving that to you. You gotta fucking earn it.”

“What?”

“You heard me.”

Ian couldn’t believe it. “Are you- are you sure?”

“You want me to change my mind?”

“No. Shit. Hell no. I just thought you don’t want me anymore.”

“I’ll always want you. You know that. But I just need to learn to trust you again.”

Ian nodded. “I’ll do better this time, I promise. I won’t leave anymore and I’ll do everything right. I won’t mess up, I promise. I’ll be perfect.” Tears of relief replaced the earlier tears that were crossing Ian’s cheeks.

“I don’t want you to be perfect, Ian. Just let me know what’s going on in your head before you run away again.”

“I won’t. I’ll fix this. I’ll fix us. I love you Mickey. I’ll be better.”

Mickey just nodded.

“Can I hug you? I mean, is that okay?”

Mickey nodded before he could change his mind.

Ian walked over and wrapped his arms around Mickey. It felt so good, so fucking good to have Mickey back in his arms.

He got it. Ian got his final chance and he’d fucking die before he’ll let himself screw this shit up.


End file.
